First Entry: Gizelle's Story [Hopeful . Curious . Experimenting]

Here I am. Post numero uno. Let me explain the star of my blog. Her name is Gizelle. She was born March 2007. It was the start of a new life. There I was, 17, a MOM. Of all things I ever pictured being at 17, a parent wasn't one of them, but when it happened, it felt.. right. Holding a little baby in my arms. Waking up crazy hours. I wasn't cranky. I was in love. I remember when she was born, they told me she might have PKU ( a rare, inherited metabolic disease that results in mental retardation). She didn't have it, but it was a HUGE scare. Then they told me she may have a click in her hip. Which, she didn't either. The last, and final scare, was when they told me she failed her first newborn hearing screening. I immediately thought "yea, right, just another thing the hospital wants to scare me about". The next day, the re-did the test, and she passed! I knew it. This hospital is crazy. I just want to take my baby home and start my new lovely life.

Life as a mother was beautiful. The only downfall, was me and her father would argue and did not see eye to eye on alot of things. I won't get to into detail, but we did splitt up in febuary 2008, a little less then a month prior to her birthday. Soon after (very soon after) I got back into a relationship with a good man that I have known since I was 8 (my first crush, at that!). We were soon married, were I got a new title as not only a wife, but an army wife. Soon after that, I was pregnant again, and gave birth to ANOTHER diva, Aubrey. I started struggling with Gizelle. She wasn't listening. I got tired of it, having a mother tuition that something isn't adding up. I took her to the pediatrician, we scheduled a hearing test. She failed. Not only did she fail, not only did they tell me that it wasn't a simple fix'er upper like some water in her ear. She was deaf. DEAF. Not even hard of hearing, she is Severe-Proufoundly deaf in both ears. Really? Her father and I cried. Heartbroken. Why? Why us? I am usually the type that says "don't dwell in the issue, just realize it is an issue, and fix it and move on" but this was my child. My disabled child. Disabled? She is able to do anything she wants. 10 fingers and toes, running, coloring, playing, breathing. What the heck??

I cried. I just had a baby is January. Now my oldest daughter is disabled. I was waiting for Ashton Kutcher to pop out and tell me I was getting Punk'd. I was waiting to hear God in a full belly chuckle telling me he had a sense of humor and was just kidding. I was waiting on.. anything. Never happened. I dont think I left the house for 2 months. I only left for doctor appointments. I was at home. Crying. Talking to my husband, Shawn. Talking to Gizelle's father, G. I blamed myself. It wasn't my fault.

Every test that could be done, was done. Blood tests? Yup, it isn't genetic. MRI's? Yup, her head is okay. EKGs? Yup, she was all fine and dandy. Hearing Aides. WOW. I remember those. The noise of "feedback" made my skin crawl. They told me she could probably BARELY hear with them. So now what? Two new words changed my life. Cochlear Implant. What is this thing? The pulled out this tiny suitcase. They opened it. It looked like a hearing aide with a tail and circle. "Oh, the circle is a magnet, the other magnet will be placed inside of her head, and will make what goes into the the microphone stimulate her nerves and tell the brain what she is hearing is SOUND". Mind=Blown. I thought, My kid is going to be like a refridgerator. A magnet? This is all super high tech stuff! It's going to make her hear? I'm in. The whole family was in. We were all scared, and nervous, but, we were in. Adventure = BEGUN. sedated  for MRIs, Catscans, this test, that test, she was 2. I have never been sedated in my life. My kid was sedated 4 times in a year. I felt bad, but I was always being told it will all be better in the end.

November 17th, 2009. FINALLY. After the 8 months of preperation, surgery day arrived. G and I. In a room. Waiting. Crying. Talking. Worrying. Scared. Hugging our baby girl. I remember taking her back to the surgery area. They let me walk her back, tears flowing & all. I layed her down on the table. Signed "Mommy loves you". The doctors starting singing their ABC's to her. I got a little mad. "She Can't Hear". How many times have I said THAT in my life? Way too many to count. I just didn't think I would have to say it to surgeons that were about to perform surgery on my kid, surgery that WILL make her hear? I was confused, but it did make me stop crying for a little bit. Hours, and hours, and hours later, they said we could go see her. It wasn't the first time I seen her all limp and what seemed like lifeless. This time was different. This time she had bandages wrapped around her head. I could smell the anesthesia on her. I wanted to hug her. I wanted to pick her up. I knew it would be best if we just let her be, and wake up on her own.

After she woke up, we took her home. A month later, my baby heard for the first time. I cried. I think we all did. She did okay with hearing. There was months she HATED her Cochlear Implant. There was weeks she LOVED it. Wore it 12+ hours a day. Here I am. A year and half after Cochlear Implant activation. What have I learned? The C.I. isn't all I dreamt it up to be. It is an AMAZING peice of technology. I have seen lots of kids with them on, speaking in sentences. I never seen a kid struggle with it like Gizelle. I couldn't tell you the last time I put it on her. I ask her all the time if she wants it. She never says yes. She is 4 now. She knows she is different. She knows she is deaf. She knows mommy and alot of other people speak with thier mouths. This doesn't make her sad. She knows her C.I. makes noise, she has heard me speak. She knows what it does. She Does Not Want It. If I had a nickle for everytime somebody said "If it was my child, I would make her wear it" I would be rich. You cannot, CAN NOT, make a child wear a C.I.. They can pull it right off. They can be a real booger and not only take it off, but close their eyes, like "haha I can't hear you OR see you signing now!". Gizelle did this PLENTY of times.

Was it a waste of surgery? Not at all. I know what it was like to be a teenager, I was one when I had her! When Gizelle is old enough, she will never be able to tell me "why didn't you get me the cochlear implant so I could hear?" Because I did. I tried. I gave it my best damn shot too. She isn't happy hearing. I want a happy child. I want her to love being herself. She isn't herself when she wears it. The most she ever said was "ma-ma" and it was more of a babble then anything. I was happy, but I felt like I forced her into it. She can do whatever you want her to do with it on as far as the "hear the sound, throw the block in a basket"game. She even did fairly well with all the "ling-sound games". As soon as we walked out of therapy, the C.I. was off and she would give it right to me. I couldn't take it anymore.

As of now, she wears it when she wants to in school, never at home. Next year she will be in a ASL Only classroom. I am happy. I love my kid. No matter what. I am not going to quit on her. She is my crazy psycho little Gizelley Belly. She is my Deaf Diva. Don't like it? Your input isn't necessary. If you don't have anything nice to say, then keep your mouth shut. I am doing what I know is best for my kids.

I totally typed her whole life story. Future posts will not be this long!! Thank you for reading!